when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
yeah not falling for this one
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.