[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
You Might Also Like
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*