Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
the clam before the storm
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
79.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head