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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
This could’ve been an email.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Meowchelangelo
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp