Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”