obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.