BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.