WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin: