“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.