In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When you’re Kinky but poor
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt