Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Plant care tips
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
these two trucks have the same bed length
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here