Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.