My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?