Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.