My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You Might Also Like
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Is anyone gonna tell them?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*