When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.