Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
🌱🌱🌱
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated