[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
This made me chuckle cuz mood
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.