The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me hooking up with my ex
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.