[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I will never stop laughing at this
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
just left a huge legacy in there
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.