Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
You Might Also Like
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Favourite diary entry ever
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: