I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
won’t smith
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.