Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.