me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
You Might Also Like
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Mountain Goat : )
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Happy Febuary everyone!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.