Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.