My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.