Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting