Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I cannot call her anything else now
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
new record!
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Just a reminder, folks:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this