I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
what’s really going on
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.