Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I am having an out of money experience.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
my retirement plan is braless