He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I have many caverns
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick