Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
O Wise One….
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage