[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.