[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.