[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
LA today:
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.