*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)