One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.