Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
How wrong was this guy?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The first one, obviously
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
bears
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*