This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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Meow
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
This bar smells like my childhood.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.