Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.