Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You Might Also Like
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.