Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
You Might Also Like
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Reporter: *ports again*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi