This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
This is what makes twitter great
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.