Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.