LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Waiting for the Charmin
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it