The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist