*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next