According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.