Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
You Might Also Like
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
going to the ER y’all need anything
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.