Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)